Perhaps more importantly, the field of work that ideally I would like to be involved in would be something that plays to my strengths, of which I have very few. Writing would be one of these strengths, and if I had a job that solely involved writing in some way or form, then that would be ideal because I would be matched to the one skill I have. If I were to involve hobbies and interests in to my ideal job then I would assume it would involve writing about technology. I am not naive enough to assume that I will be fortunate enough to do rise to the ranks of a technology writer, though, which is why even if my future job involved simply writing fortunes for fortune cookies, I couldn’t be unhappy, because I would be doing something that I am good at, which surely is ideal.

Taking all of this in to consideration, I believe that I would be happy in any job provided it made me happy and kept my financially stable. There’s an ideal job and a dream job and I don’t think I really have either planned as of yet. There’s plenty of time to think about things like that. I’m much more preoccupied about what tomorrow will bring instead.

In the early hours of Sunday 18th July 2010, I was still wide awake, given the sleeping pattern I was in. A wasp flew in to my room and it was absolutely massive. I’m scared of wasps and I didn’t know whether to attempt to collect it and risk being stung, or to leave it and sleep downstairs. I did the latter, however I spent literally an hour thinking about what to do. It’s a good job I did that, because during that hour, Test Card J (that’s a link to the left, by the way) appeared on my screen. I should explain, shouldn’t I?

At around 02:45am BBC One, which was showing a syndicated version of the BBC News channel at the time, went blank and the sound went. I originally assumed this was down to my television, which is old and sometimes loses picture. However soon after this, Test Card J popped up in all its glory. The BBC use test cards to test the system they are running, the aerials that are scattered throughout the country and all manner of other audio/visual information that they need to broadcast over the network across the UK. Without rambling, this particular Test Card was being used to test the network in the event of a national emergency. The BBC switches its main transmitter off in London whilst showing the Test Card and then it rebroadcasts the picture over all the transmitters in the country whilst turning them off one-by-one in order to distinguish the picture quality and sound quality when a video is rebroadcasted. In the event of a nuclear explosion where millions are in danger, these tests are invaluable as if that does happen, the BBC will know where to make fixes in the network and would be able to broadcast an emergency announcement. Usually the BBC conduct these tests once a year, however before they were much more frequent. Given the new network and the digital switchover, these tests aren’t as important as they once were and rumour has it, the 2010 test could be one of the last. So it’s about this point I should explain why this is relevant at all.

At the time I was shocked. I took a picture of the Test Card with my camera because I knew they were rare. There it is below.

I then posted said picture on Twitter, along with a short diatribe about how amazed I was. I then searched “Test Card J” on Twitter to see if I was one of the only people up late enough to notice. Luckily I wasn’t. Charlie was. And later we got chatting about the event and we followed each other. After a week of speaking to Charlie over Twitter, he #ff’d me and Amy followed me, then Beth did. And I’ve never looked back. Until tonight when I wrote this so I could get my facts straight. Then I wrote about it on my website, which you can find here.

So basically, what I’m saying here is: stay up late, be scared of massive wasps, take pictures of television events that are rare and unexpected, Tweet about said events, write about them two months later.

Here’s a diagram of sorts.

Wasp > Late Night > Test Card J > @cwatkins94 > @amymorris14 > @Bethness_

Of course, there are lots of other people I speak to on Twitter and they deserve a mention. @_iareAddie. Did I make that sound like there were multiple people? Oh, sorry, it’s just Addie.

Anyway, “follow so-and-so because she’s amazing!” just isn’t my style really. Too much kissarsery. So this story represents that I appreciate Twitter, my followers and all the stuff that goes with it. So cheers everyone. Here’s to another 4000 tweets.

Image: Oneray

To be honest, let’s face it, no one will read this. But since I have the urge to write and refine my writing skills before I go to University in September – A Level results permitting.

Things have changed quite a bit in the last 12 months and the position I find myself in right now is one of turmoil, truth be told. I seem to lost a few friends. Which isn’t fun at all. However, by the time I go to University in a few months, I won’t have anything holding me back and I’ll be free to make lots and lots of friends as if I were a toddler in a sandpit at the park.

So, right now I’m really into Belle & Sebastian, Two Door Cinema Club, Search The City and Ellie Goulding. I’m revising for my final exams which end in around 10 days time. I’m looking forward to the World Cup.

To be honest, the only things that have changed about me are superficial and they’re things that you’d only noticed if you knew me personally, which as I’ve mentioned, right now isn’t many people.

I will say one last thing. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with this blog, because it’s nowhere near as good as my other one (link above) and I’ll never be able to better anything that say, Mark Watson does. Without rambling, his life is what I imagine mine will be like in 12 years. Hopefully.

I’m going. Check back later.

Click here for the site.

Click here for the Tumblr.

Click here for the Twitter.

I’m also planning a new comedy-themed website which I hope will launch next week. So look out for that.

Check back later.

Does “God” exist? – Kris Pugh, 8, Wolverhampton

Well Kris, this is a very complex and controversial issue. What you need to bear in mind is that there are several different kinds of cults or “religions” as they like to be called and within these sectors there are certain groups within religions. For example, in Christianity there’s Methodist and then there’s that other one where the Priests abuse the children. And then there’s those crazy Gospel churches that sing all the time and they’re generally pretty cool, but this is beside the point.

In 2003, Bruce Almighty was released worldwide and within this film lies a secret that will not be revealed until today. Morgan Freeman (my Grandad) is God. No no no, bear with me, i’ll explain. In 1602, Henry VIII needed a new plan to marry some broad from LDN. See, back then you couldn’t just get divorced and marry again (coz it was the Tudor times and shit), even if you’re the king of the fucking planet. No, ‘our Henry needed a plan. Luckily for him, Freeman was doing the rounds in London, annointing people for their sins and so forth and generally being in every Hollywood film going at the time. Here’s how the conversation went:

Henry VIII: Yo man, I need a quickie divorce, I need you to be God for like 10 minutes, jahno.

Morgan Freeman: Argh, shit dude. I dunno if this is a good idea.

Henry VIII: Either you do it, or i’ll kill yo’ ass with a rusty guillotine.

Morgan Freeman: *Gulp* Yikes! I’ll do it bruvva!

Henry VIII: Standard.

You can reach God at any time, just don’t try any of that “praying” crap. That doesn’t work. Email him at any time at Morgan_baybee91873@god.com.

What’s your favourite brand of crisp, and why? – Adam Rowley, 16, Harlem, NY.

Funnily enough, I’ve been asked this many times and I can’t really give you a solid answer. Perhaps if they merged a Ready Salted Walkers crisp with a Cool Original Doritos tortilla chip, a black hole would form.

At what age did you first discover masturbation? Set the scene for us. – Jack Lewis, 11, LDN.

A personal but interesting question, Jack. I was 19 at the time and I’d just been let down by the Job Centre, ah-gain. On my way home I stopped off at HMV and bought Scary Movie 2. I then took it home and proceeded to watch it (on VHS, I might add). Then I came across the scene where that dude from Malcolm in the Middle gets wanked off by Cindy. It was hilarious, but I didn’t know what was happening at the time and all I could think was “Why doesn’t he do it himself?” So in the name of Science, I proceeded to bash the old lemon and 9 months later, I was the proud father of Lindsay Lohan.

What’s your wildest fantasy? – Rohit “Bob” Banger, 26, Mumbai, India.

I dream that one day I’ll be surrounded by clones of Megan Fox’s. Seriously, like fucking 20 of them or some shit. And then they’ll all be massaging me with massage oil and vegetable oil and then in the end i’ll get a bit fed up and start fucking shouting at them “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? TRANSFORMERS 2 WAS FUCKING AWFUL” and then hit one of them. By doing this, I’ll have angered most of the clones and I’ll be in a right old state. Something in their computer chips will make them want to kill me. But luckily, I know that clones can’t do shit when you’re in water. So then i’ll be forced to spend my remaining days in a swimming pool, safe in the knowledge that those fucking freaks can’t hurt me. Surprisingly enough, this is the most refreshing image i can muster.

Do you got the Girls Allowed in your country? – Mason McEnery-Jachowicz, 16, Polska.

I think i’ll answer your question, with a question! (And in English..). When are you coming round to do the plumbing?

What would your pornstar name be, and why? – Richard Spencer, 14, Wolves, Ingland.

Jizzing Jay because this is as relevant as I can think of.

Why am I bored? lol – Ryan Starr, 17 in February, Wolf  Town.

Pmsl, dunno. Lol.

Why aren’t you doing your work? – Gemma Whitehouse, 27, Somewhere within driving distance of Wolverhampton.

Let me answer your question, with a question! How are you?

What shaving cream do you use? – Emily Davies, 16, Wolverhampton.

I don’t. I sharpen my fingernails and just scrape them on my face.

How furry are your knees? – Rohit “Bob” Banger, 31, New Delhi, India.

Very. On a scale of 1-7, 8.

Email me at jayfreeman91@gmail.com and I’ll do another one. Goodbye!

Obviously none of the above applies to me at all. Seriously. Oh alright it absolutely does and what I’ve just told you is affecting me right at this minute. Throughout my childhood, I was plagued with a really fucked up sleeping pattern and I couldn’t sleep on school nights properly for love nor money. I’ve sorta grown out of it now but the problem remains and since I didn’t get to bed last night till 3am and didn’t get to sleep till 4 am, I’m probably not gonna sleep very easily tonight, hence why I’m writing this.

In true DiaryofJay fashion (this isn’t really true as it’s only lately that I’ve written what some have described as ‘Comedic Self Help on Acid’), I present to you, my humble audience:

THE TOP THREE WAYS TO START GETTING BETTER SLEEP ON A SCHOOL/WORK/GOD-FORBID-”UNI”-NIGHT!

Number One) Do the opposite.

Don’t get it twisted. Don’t fuck about doing opposites all day cause then we’ll all be dead and the ones that are alive will consider Loose Women to be quality television. Instead, think about what you’ve been doing in recent times with regards to sleeping. Have you been staying on the computer till 5am even without anything to do, surfing YouTube’s recently uploaded section just incase some porn has scraped through the net? Refreshed Facebook till your browser crashed? Or even work out how Twitter has become so popular? All these are common internet-related paths of doom to trepidation and beware procrastination late at night.

The internet is your friend, don’t abuse it by late-night surfing. Don’t get caught up in pointless videos or sites just because you have the following day off. Read a book instead or watch TV. Force yourself to get to bed earlier beforehand and you’ll thank yourself for it later on.

Number Two) Unwind with some heavy breathing.

A foolproof way to get yourself to sleep is by purposely breathing heavily*. Do not be alarmed or put off if your partner becomes disconcerted as to why you are panting like a dog at half past 11 at night. Invite him/her to join in with you and perhaps get them to make you a nice cup of warm milk in the process. Soon you will feel the tension in your upper body ease. You will have sucessfully released your inhibitions from the working day through doing this. The Ancient Victorians did this around 600 years ago and used to call it “tye” as an operative verb. This is where the word “tired” comes from today. It’s important to remember however, that you must breath as heavily as you can for at least an hour prior to when you intend to start sleeping and this may cause a problem in some households. However in my particular household, it is encouraged and sometimes competitions are held to see who can pant the loudest. Remember, extended panting can result in earlier sleeping, which may or may not be to your liking and you should always consult your GP before attempting this method.

Number Three) Take Sleeping Pills.

Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? Almost silly. In fact it is silly. But think very carefully about it. Sleeping pills have been used for more than two-thousand years. They were invented by Issac Newton in 1985 after he was trying to discover a way for him to stay awake after being hit by apples and ended up sleeping for 29 hours. But this is beside the point. Millions of people must have taken sleeping pills when having trouble sleeping and a large majority of these people will testify that they work. The odds are incredibly high and absolutely in your favour. You cannot lose. It’s like the casino of beddybyes.

A list of people who take sleeping pills can easily be found at your local library, doctors surgery or greengrocer (good luck finding one of those in 2010) , along with contact information. I know i’m on there!

Well that just about wraps up my top three tips for regaining your natural (and sensible!) sleeping pattern, and remember, you can’t go wrong as long as you ignore Steps two and three in favour of Step one.

Check back later for more How To’s and comedy bolox, on TheDiaryOfJay.

* Not suitable for Asthmatics, Pregnant women in their second trimester or Homosexuals.

Arguably the greatest moment in English footballing history was in 2001 when lowly Croydon won against top-flight Barnstaple in the FA Cup (which at the time stood for ‘Fucking Amazing’) with a 14-11 victory at the McDonald’s Pound-Saver Menu Stadium. Other highlights include the shocking loss that Padstow Rovers suffered against local rivals Bodmin Bastards in a thrilling penalty shoot-out that lasted over 6 hours and finished at 3:17am with a score of 173-174 (finishing up 0-0 AET).

Here’s a 3-step guide to Football, written with you in mind!

1) The Offside Rule

The Football Bosses (or the FB, for short) employ linesmen (commonly referred to as ‘wankers’) with ARSE, or Arm Raising SyndromE, so that once every 2 minutes, they raise their flag and offside is called. Then the players moan and groan and then continue with the game of football.

2) All-Seater Stadiums

These are here for your safety. However the more eager fans amongst you may see them as an opportunity to cause trouble and may wish to throw them or hit someone about the head with them. This shouldn’t happen, but does almost every week.

3) Hostility Towards Women

If you’re female it may be worthwhile noting that football terraces are almost exclusive to men and as a result you may be hit in the face. Always carry mace.

Keep these three things in mind and you’ll never go wrong when confronted with a tricky question on football.

Go to bed every night by 11pm. (Latest 11.15pm) on school nights.

This never happened and it was pretty optimistic of me to think that it ever would.

Blog at least 3 times per week.

Ha! Yeah right.

Multitask whilst on the computer at every possible occasion.

This really did happen. I use my computer like a bitch now. Mostly cause of Spotify.

Buy a Nintendo DS and get an R4 Card.

I did get an R4 card for my Nan and Grandad. But DS’s are swag.

Eventually decide between XBOX 360 and an iMac.

I didn’t get either. I don’t need an Xbox and iMac’s are too expensive. Moving on..

Convert at least 1 DVD per week and put onto iPod.

Can’t think why I’d want to do this now I read it back..

Amass a fair film collection on iPod by September.

Instead, I bought a WDTV like a normal person.

Learn to drive.

Ha. That didn’t work.

Change life for the good by being a better person.

Seriously? I’m not Danny Wallace.

Branch out from websites other than just MySpace.com

Haha. I really did do this one. I moved to Facebook. But seriously, I read Gizmodo, Lifehacker, College Humor, Platform, The Guardian, Tech Radar, Pocket Lint, Ultra Culture and I listen to Adam and Joe. Plus I download shit like a bitch. So this one’s the most successful resolution.

Buy new clothes.

Yeah I did this one pretty well.

Go to a College Open Day.

Well, not a college one but I did go to loads of University ones.

Make more friends.

This one didn’t work and it’s the new resolution for this year.

Get new curtains for my bedroom. Or blinds, whichever’s best.

Yeah I did this.

Partake in weird male grooming sessions once daily. Starting with anti-aging set from Christmas. Move up to moisturising with reasonably priced moisturisers such as Nivea for Men.

Haha. I can tell I was taking the piss on this one.

Wear glasses more frequently.

Yep. Now i’m a big boy and I use my contacts.

Play Brain Training as often as humanly possible.

No point, it’s crap.

Use laptop and PC more conservatively.

I dunno what I mean by that but I pretty much did it.

Visit BitSoup more frequently.

Tick!

Watch all of Life on Mars.

Nahh, never did this one.

Use Saturday’s more efficiently by watching DVD’s in my room amongst other plans.

Well yeah, I kind of do this.

Enjoy January and try and be more upbeat.

Yeah January last year wasn’t too bad, really.

Keep hair at a reasonable length.

It’s not too bad, I spose.

Get into a reasonable sleeping pattern during the holidays.

This will never happen.

Finish N64 emulator games on the PC.

Never did this one, but I will one day.

Put N64 emulator program onto Laptop.

Yeah I did this one not long after I wrote this but I never used it since cause it’s just pointless.

Actually do work in free lessons.

NEVER!

Work on starting a strange-yet-funny internet phenomenon.

Well I joined WordPress in July. Surely that counts.

Write to various companies offering my services to test gadgets, write articles for them and other general ideas

I did this and didn’t get replies.

Get a job.

No point.

Join the stereotype and buy an XBOX 360 and partake in online gaming.

I can’t be arsed. I’ve not the money or the attention span.

Alternatively, see if PC will run a new game and play that instead.

No point with that, either.

Try and pass AS Mathematics.

Haha. ‘Nuff said.

Get fit quickly.

That will never happen.

Work on grammar.

Yep.

Talk to Dad more.

I talk to him as much as I can.

Learn to cook something visually impressive, whilst still maintaining a high amount of taste.

Osso Bucco, motherfuckaaaaa!

Go to an occasional Wolves match.

Too expensive.

Buy a Heston Blumenthal recipe book.

No point, as he is a douche.

Not surcome to Winter Blues.

I spose I did that.

Buy an SAD lamp in preparation for next winter.

Waste of money.

Aim to actually complete at least half of this list by July.

It’s January 2010, a full year since I made this list and I haven’t even done half.

Beat how good last summer was by enjoying all the time i have off school during summer.

Summer 2008 will never be beaten. Or Spring 2007.

Have a big barbeque in winter, and in summer.

Lack of friends stopped this one happening.

Use Skype on the odd opportunity.

Yep, I did this quite a bit.

Look even smarter at School.

This was always gonna be a fail.

Actually buy and use a Gillette Fusion.

I did. It’s overrated. Wilkinson Sword Quattro Titanium FTW!

Gradually add to this list whenever i feel.

CBA, mate.

Find The Smoking Room on DVD.

I downloaded it, instead.

Stay away from Facebook.

I dunno why I put this one, cause Facebook pwns MySpace.

Download and listen to Cute Is What We Aim For’s newest album.

RIP the greatest band ever. But I did listen to it.

Use my new Hot Water Bottle.

Yep.

Get a better Freeview box for my bedroom towards the end of the year.

I can’t be bothered.

Evaluate thoroughly, whether i would find a use for an Apple TV.

Yes, I would. But the WDTV was much better.

So what has changed since I wrote this? Well I use the internet more and visit useful sites instead of just MySpace. I drink alcohol more and I like Guinness as long as it’s not from a can. I can buy pornography, alcohol and a house. And I can do other shit which would ultimately make a boring blog.

Here’s what I’m aiming to do for this coming year.

1) Make new friends.

Self explanatory.

2) Get into University.

Please, God!

3) Take more photos and get into photography.

I reckon this one could happen.

4) Don’t make like 50 resolutions.

This one’s already done!

5) Learn to drive/Get a job.

I spose I’ll have to do this at some point.

So there it is. I look forward to next year when I can evaluate this. Goodbye.

1) Earth is a vast and open planet that has a circumference of 24,902 miles (40,076 kilometres).

In other words, those crazy fucking Sciencepeoples have conned us into thinking that our planet is fucking massive. This is not the case. When a signpost says that Birmingham is 13 miles away, for example, it’s more like half a mile. The mapmakers (cartographers) are in on it. Roads tend to wind around a lot to give the illusion of distance. And the mapmakers basically make up what an area looks like from above. Google are the biggest consters in this business and make millions a year from selling their “accurate” maps to unsuspecting companies and the like. Airplanes don’t fly thousands of miles to their destinations. They just taxi in the air for a while and then decide to land when they decide it’s been long enough to seem like you’ve flown from Heathrow to JFK. Just keep in mind, Britain is 10 miles away from the USA and the Atlantic is more like a pond than you’d imagine. Hence the term “across the pond” which was coined long before the scientificians got their slimey hands on our maps.

2) Russell Brand is a former sex addict.

This is complete bollocks. Before he found fame on Big Brother’s Big Mouth, Brand was head of the Illuminati, a secret society who established themselves in the early 1400′s to bring down Al Qaeda. Brand grew up in Grays, Essex with his two parents Mildred and Gordon who were members of the Illuminati themselves until retirement when Russell was at the tender age of 8. It was decided internally after 9/11 that the only person fit to run the Illuminati in times of turmoil was Russell Brand himself. Up until that point, Russell was a recluse and found solice in watching repeats of Fawlty Towers after suffering from intense bullying whilst at school during his teenage years. In December 2001, Russell Brand was appointed head of the Illuminati and it was decided that over the course of the next 8 years, various stories would be invented by the organisation in order to keep attention away from Brand being head of the worlds second biggest organisation (after the Scouts). Sex Addict was one of the stories that was used, as well as the “Sachsgate” scandal that rocked the press in late-October 2008, which was an invention of Brand himself alone as an homage to his bleak days in his late-teens. Jonathan Ross became involved in the scandal as he himself is a high-level-leader within the Illuminati. This has never been revealed until now.

3) The air we breathe is 78% Nitrogen and only 20.95% Oxygen, amongst other gases and water vapour.

Another lie told by the science-facists in order for us to believe as a race that we need more Oxygen. After initial figures on the levels of Nitrogen, Oxygen and other gases were released in 2002, the World was shocked that the air we rely on so much had been contaminated with so much Nitrogen. In actual fact, the human body relies on Nitrogen to be able to produce feces (shit/poo), but a shortlived Daily Mail campaign to bring the energy companies to prosecution for polluting the Earth brought about a common misconception that Nitrogen is bad. However, after this campaign, sales of Oxygen masks went up by 2300%.

4) The Earth spins on it’s axis and tilts every 6 months, hence the change of seasons.

Again, Mr Science has lied to use once again. Winter is caused by refridgerator companies slowly chilling the one half of the earth so that the public buy more plane tickets to hotter climates (which relates to the first misconception) and vice versa. Summer is caused by happiness that Winter is over. So effectively, the refridgerator companies run how the Earth operates.

5) The leader of the BNP is Nick Griffin.

This is wrong. It is actually the corpses of Adolf Hitler and Walt Disney.

Well that just about wraps up our roundups of the common misconceptions about Earth. We hope you enjoyed it.